Learning About Living From the Dying
We all learn from each other. It can be argued that most of our learning is from the people we spend time with. And it is not just teachers and parents who we learn from. We learn from friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. Every person on our planet experiences an entirely different life than everyone else; thus, we can learn something from each person we encounter, because every person's unique circumstances allow them to provide others with insights and learnings. Some people, however, gain a dramatically different vantage point on life than the rest of us. This perspective can take the form of any significant, life altering experience, such as, devastating illness and/or certain knowledge that one is coming to the end of one’s life. People in these circumstances have a very different viewpoint and thus can have much to teach those who will watch and listen.
“You matter because you are you, and you matter to the end of your life. We will do all we can not only to help you die peacefully, but also to live until you die.”
Four years ago, I started volunteering as a Hospice Comfort Caregiver. The reasons for my decision to choose this service role are many and varied. My mother worked at Hospice as a nurse for many years; a good friend of mine, who I helped care for, died in the care of Hospice, and I was impressed with the kindness and dedication of the Hospice workers who I met; I have come close to death on several occasions and was so ill at one point that I was told that there was a significant chance that I might die before the age of fifty, giving me a curious sense of kinship with the dying and a desire to provide the comfort that I, at one time, sought. Finally, I am simply fascinated by the many life trajectories out there; the many different experiences that tailor our life perspectives, resulting in unique learnings.
“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”
I felt that this work was well within my social/emotional/spiritual capabilities and that I could provide comfort to the dying and their loved ones. This proved to be the case, however, I was unprepared for how much I would learn from my patients and how close I could get to these 'strangers' in a few brief visits. Every patient has touched my life and altered my perspective in ways I never expected. It became clear to me that people who are close to death are excellent teachers in life.
Death does seem to have a clarifying effect on one's outlook on life. I am not entirely sure why this is the case, but I can guess. Perhaps death's imminence strips away everything unnecessary in life, providing a new, laser focus. Or perhaps people dying are driven to spend more time in self-reflection. Maybe there is a need to set things in order and take advantage of the last time to say what one needs to say, to do what one needs to do. There is strong evidence of "inner work" when patients are within days or hours of death.
“Every moment and every event of every man’s life on earth plants something in his soul.”
Whatever the reason, I learn a lot about living from the dying. In this blog, I relate my many learning experiences with patients. I endeavor to show how time spent with the dying facilitates better living and, at the least, a better outlook on life.
