We live in a time when people break our societal norms for decent behavior more often and more spectacularly than at any other time in memory. There are countless examples of people having tantrums on planes, abusing flight staff, and inconveniencing everyone on the flight. There are numerous other examples of abuse of service staff in restaurants, grocery stores, airports, and other public spaces. There are also more prevalent examples of people cheating at everything, from school academics to college applications, to welfare benefits and more. This dishonesty speaks to a sad breakdown in a society known for friendliness and general commitment to fairness. This unfortunate situation is more fixable than we might assume. We need to think bigger than ourselves.

By now, most of us have witnessed some form of obnoxious behavior directed at a fellow citizen or people at large. It's all over the news; people in what used to be a polite society are melting down and spewing poison in the form of rudeness and even physical abuse. Service workers bear the bulk of this vulgar behavior. These displays accomplish nothing other than to increase stress and hurt the community. Most of us get that the folks who perpetrate these displays are wrong in doing so. So, why do these events increase? It has become a societal norm. We are too used to outbursts that hurt and disrupt.  

For those of us who are offended, how do we combat this? How do we make sure we don't lose some of our humanity? And how do we create a kinder, gentler society?

We all need to ask ourselves what kind of society we want. 

Another behavior on the rise is academic dishonesty. One reason is that the pandemic deprived most teachers and professors of the ability to proctor exams. There are also examples galore of applicants being dishonest in the college application process. A couple of years before the pandemic, we all heard about the FBI sting on a college admissions scandal that touched some of the most prestigious universities in the US. People paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to secure slots for their children at these schools before they even applied. 

My teen children and their friends tell me they see "a lot" cheating in high school. And I have met students who outright lied on their college applications and essays. One told me his parents told him to make everything up and lie about his "volunteer" hours. In most cases I've encountered or heard of, the student already had a great chance of getting into several schools and, by most accounts, could be considered privileged. When I ask why they are doing this, they all say the same thing. Everyone is doing it.  

Some people do not even ask basic questions when everyone should. And that is how rude, abusive outbursts, cheating, and lying (and other things most of us don't want) become societal norms. Because we let them, we abet them by asking the wrong questions or saying nothing to counter the behavior. 

Instead, one should thoughtfully ask, What kind of society do I want? 

When faced with poor behavior toward others, you should ask if you want to be in a society where people engage in public tantrums and abuse of others. And when faced with the choice to cheat and lie, you should not ask if many other people are doing it. Instead, you should ask if you want to live in a society where people get ahead by being dishonest. Thus depriving honest, hardworking people of the chance to better themselves. 

When do we ask What kind of society I want? And think about it, we are thinking beyond ourselves, beyond a single moment. We are considering the greater society and the future we want for that society. 

It has become harder to think this way. We live in a time when it is every man for himself. The problem is that this singular and shortsighted thinking leads to the dissolution of our society. We need a healthy, whole society for widespread opportunity and success that benefits us all. 

When you ask What kind of society I want, you must act according to your answer. If you do not want to live in a society filled with liars and cheats, then don't do those things yourself. This behavior is the Be the Change thinking ascribed to Gandhi. The premise is that to effect real change, one must enact that change in one's own life. No actual or lasting change comes from wishing for it or delaying action. 

You can even do something about the antisocial behavior or offset it. I make a point of being extra grateful towards service people, knowing they bear the brunt of the recent outbursts. Teens often ask me why they should not join in the cheating. I explain how it hurts others and ask them if they want to live in a society where they might just as quickly become victims of someone else's dishonesty. The vast majority of teens get this logic and commit to honesty. Most of them have a sense of the society they want. I find that their thinking is much more straightforward than many adults.

Of course, some people don't care what kind of society we have. But if more people dare to live according to the society they want, then things will change over time and as more people make their stand. 

Ultimately, cheating, lying, and tantrums are born out of selfishness. Let's all think more seriously about what we want for our society rather than what we want for ourselves. We will have less antisocial behavior, leading to a better society.